A gently oversized, cowl neck sweater in a perfectly flattering neutral. Like the ones trendy moms wear on Instagram while holding a golden doodle puppy. Except this sweater must also adjust to the wearer and offer the intense cooling sensation of a York Peppermint Patty one minute, and the heat of Chris Hemsworth’s smolder in, “Thor: Love and Thunder” the next. Bonus if it has anti-microbial armpits.
Egyptian cotton, two-ply, ultra-absorbent sheets (2500 thread count.) Pretty simple request. We just want sheets that are soft, breathable, luxurious enough to be on Oprah’s Favorite Things list and capable of wicking away 2–17oz of sweat between the hours of midnight and 4:30 am with the efficiency of a Shamwow.
7+ uninterrupted hours of sleep. Between those sheets, we’d also love a few blissful cycles of REM, unencumbered by sweating, tossing, turning, joint aches, muscle tension, tingling extremities, burning mouth, electric shock sensations, gastrointestinal issues, or simultaneous anxiety about both our third-grade talent show fire-juggling disaster and the impact of GMO corn on the future performance of our retirement portfolio. Also, less itchiness.
A waist. It seems we’ve misplaced ours. Maybe underneath whatever is going on here that turned our curves into more of a soup can situation overnight? If you don’t find it, something Spanx-y could work.
A libido. Libido is such a funny word, isn’t it? You know what else is a laugh riot? Roughly 1 billion USD is spent annually on erectile dysfunction treatment and research. Guess how much is spent on research and treatment for the sexual side effects of menopause? Who knows?! Cause there’s no tangible data! HAHAHAHAHA. Dying over here!
So how about we put just 50% of the amount dedicated to floppy cucumbers toward research to improve the sexual well-being of peri and post-menopausal women and call it progress? Yes, we understand it won’t be available by this holiday, but this gives you a jump on it for next year, and we’re used to waiting for our basic bodily rights to be acknowledged! In the meantime, all our extra, unused sex-drive energy can go towards taking over the C-suites of Fortune 500 companies, so that’s cool.
Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men, specifically those working to achieve gender and racial equity for all. Upon the others we wish moderate to severe erectile dysfunction, LOL.
A nice, multi-purpose highlighting balm. We’ve heard great things about Jones Road. Or, you know, just surprise us!